Contemplation time.

After Monday’s talk with the Bishop which reaffirmed the idea that the Church does NOT believe I’m called to the diaconate, he suggested I look deeper to my calling and ask for clarity to the root of it; take some “time off” whatever the hell that means. I had a bit of a cry, talked with friends and advisors and came to the conclusion I should become a mystic in the realm of Evelyn Underhill. And God, with her sense of humor, brought me to Holy Eucharist Wednesday morning and who do you think the Episcopal Church honored that day? Yes, Evelyn. So I decided to take a break and on Thursday emailed Tom if one of the hermitages was vacant. He wrote back, yes there was one still available. The Evelyn Underhill cabin. So here I am at the Evelyn Underhill cabin at The Hermitages at the Valle Crucis Conference Center reading “Worship” by Evelyn Underhill.

Reflection Redirection Midsection Objection Detection

Could of sworn I just heard a loon. No loons here in the mountains of North Carolina – must be some sort of windstorm whistling trick.

This seems my free-form time of writing so I’ll just go with the flow. Which makes me laugh thinking of dating someone named Flo – how cool would that be! But I suppose no one but insurance sales advertisement characters are named Flo anymore.

Back to the reason I’m here. Who is not listening? Me or the Church. I vote the Church, but mainly because I don’t like being wrong although I can, at least, admit it these days when I am. There was a time when that would not have occurred to me. I don’t think it’s that I’m not called to be a deacon; I have a deacon’s heart, I have a love of serving others and sharing my understanding of the Good News. I think perhaps the Church is afraid to have someone like me on their team. It’s quite alright if I show up and cheer for her, it seems quite another to have me on her roster. Fear permeates the world. I could be wrong, but I don’t fit the mold of pretty Episcopalians. I’ve had a “wild, wild life” to quote David Byrne, and that doesn’t look proper enough I suppose.

In the end, it doesn’t matter. In the end I will do as I am directed. My fear is that I misheard. And if I misheard in that instance, what about future instances? Can I trust that what I hear is the Holy Spirit? Or am I delusional? Please don’t answer too quickly.

That was a woodpecker clearing the forest. Maybe I’m the loon.


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